This and That
Aug. 1st, 2007 08:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hafocPenny Cat goes postal when another kitty shows up on our front porch or patio. She wants to go out, attack, kill, RIGHT NOW. "I can take him! Let me at him, let me out, let me take him down!"
Including the pretty, very very floofy black kitty with the wide white stripe down its back that showed up on our patio last night. The kitty that wasn't a kitty.
No, no, cat, you do NOT want to mess with this one!
Somebody did, though. I can smell skunk faintly around the house today.
###
I often wonder why, if I hate my life, I don't change it.
Partly it's because I don't hate my life. I hate my job, and there are certain things about this town (well, one thing: The nine-month winter) that I don't like. But other than that, I don't have much reason to complain.
The way people despise me, perhaps. Not people that know me, or at least I hope those don't despise me. I am despised because of the categories people put me into. Boomer. State worker. Sell-out, because all boomers sold out-- which I suppose is why I'm still trying to protect the environment instead of getting two or three times the money to help big business destroy it.
Oh, well, I do deserve peoples' anger. There is nothing more arrogant than thinking you can help save the world. I was trying not to sell out. Often I think that was the big mistake, right there.
I've got bad habits that keep me here, though. Buying toys on credit, so I can't afford to quit and try something else. The plain old inertia. Telling myself I'm too tired to look for work when I get home from work. A tendency to wander through life with blinders on, so focused on the mission at hand that I can't see any options, any possibilities.
But the biggest thing holding me back is fear.
I don't know how normal it is to be afraid of, basically, half the things in the world and almost all of the people. Thinking about all the fear I have to choke down to go write a violation on somebody, go inspect a facility where I'm half convinced they'll shoot me on sight, ask people for help and favors when I'm scared of them, introduce myself to people when I'm scared of them-- geez, I don't accomplish enough, but sometimes it amazes me I accomplish anything at all. That's my world, defined by the things I'm afraid of, and my sometimes near-suicidal determination to break that fear by facing it, by doing what I fear most-- which never, EVER works. Not for me, at least.
It makes me laugh when I think of it. I am one ridiculous creature. I am just insane, but not on a plane, because I'm scared of heights too. (Fortunately, airlines, airports, and all associated with them treat everyone so badly that if I'm paying attention to their actions I can usually short-circuit the fear into pathological grumpiness.)
###
Another thing I keep doing is forgetting to find out whether the ISBN on Hilltown has gone through, and the book is available from a distributor yet. And it's too late for that again today. Foo.
Got to write myself a note. Get it tattooed on the back of my hand, if that's what it takes to get me moving on this.
Including the pretty, very very floofy black kitty with the wide white stripe down its back that showed up on our patio last night. The kitty that wasn't a kitty.
No, no, cat, you do NOT want to mess with this one!
Somebody did, though. I can smell skunk faintly around the house today.
###
I often wonder why, if I hate my life, I don't change it.
Partly it's because I don't hate my life. I hate my job, and there are certain things about this town (well, one thing: The nine-month winter) that I don't like. But other than that, I don't have much reason to complain.
The way people despise me, perhaps. Not people that know me, or at least I hope those don't despise me. I am despised because of the categories people put me into. Boomer. State worker. Sell-out, because all boomers sold out-- which I suppose is why I'm still trying to protect the environment instead of getting two or three times the money to help big business destroy it.
Oh, well, I do deserve peoples' anger. There is nothing more arrogant than thinking you can help save the world. I was trying not to sell out. Often I think that was the big mistake, right there.
I've got bad habits that keep me here, though. Buying toys on credit, so I can't afford to quit and try something else. The plain old inertia. Telling myself I'm too tired to look for work when I get home from work. A tendency to wander through life with blinders on, so focused on the mission at hand that I can't see any options, any possibilities.
But the biggest thing holding me back is fear.
I don't know how normal it is to be afraid of, basically, half the things in the world and almost all of the people. Thinking about all the fear I have to choke down to go write a violation on somebody, go inspect a facility where I'm half convinced they'll shoot me on sight, ask people for help and favors when I'm scared of them, introduce myself to people when I'm scared of them-- geez, I don't accomplish enough, but sometimes it amazes me I accomplish anything at all. That's my world, defined by the things I'm afraid of, and my sometimes near-suicidal determination to break that fear by facing it, by doing what I fear most-- which never, EVER works. Not for me, at least.
It makes me laugh when I think of it. I am one ridiculous creature. I am just insane, but not on a plane, because I'm scared of heights too. (Fortunately, airlines, airports, and all associated with them treat everyone so badly that if I'm paying attention to their actions I can usually short-circuit the fear into pathological grumpiness.)
###
Another thing I keep doing is forgetting to find out whether the ISBN on Hilltown has gone through, and the book is available from a distributor yet. And it's too late for that again today. Foo.
Got to write myself a note. Get it tattooed on the back of my hand, if that's what it takes to get me moving on this.
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no subject
Date: 2007-08-02 02:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-05 02:56 pm (UTC)Well at least they aren't leaving mouse heads in the middle of the kitchen.