hafoc | "I Shot an Arrow," Condensed Version

_I Shot an Arrow Into the Air_ by Rod Serling

Twilight Zone-- First Aired January 15th, 1960

Condensed Version

Captain: Boy, it's a real pisser to have crash-landed on a miraculously undiscovered planetoid only minutes after launch from Earth. Fortunately we're all highly trained astronauts. We can use our knowledge of astronomy, geology, biology, and of course basic scientific principles known to any eight-year-old, to figure out what we are, and how to survive on this alien world. So what can you tell me about this place, Science Officer?

Engineer, pointing over Captain's shoulder: Captain...

Science Officer: Gravitational attraction is 1.0 standard gravities. This world's atmosphere consists mainly of nitrogen and oxygen, with other gasses in lesser amounts. Hmm, interesting. Noble gasses, Unburned hydrocarbons. Rubber dust. Ragweed pollen. I have also noted that the rotational period of this world is 24 hours, exactly. Temperature, wind, and cloud cover are typical of a normal smoggy summer day outside Las Vegas.

Engineer, still pointing: Captain...

Science Officer: The local rocks are granite. The sand is made of quartz grains. Vegetation consists of cholla, chapparal, and Joshua Trees. There's a gila monster under that one, watch your step. Insect life includes ants and flies. The ground bears tracks from a World War II surplus Jeep tire. (bends over to pick up something from the ground) Ut-oh. We'd better watch out. Rednecks. This is a Schlitz Malt Liquor can with .45 caliber holes through it.

Engineer, still pointing: Captain...

Captain: Speaking of .45 caliber holes... (shoots Science Officer dead)

Engineer, still pointing: Captain! What in the name of...

Captain: Sorry, guy, but we only have five gallons of water, and it's going to be a long time before a ship from Earth can get here to rescue us. I'll last longer if you're dead.

Engineer, still pointing: But Captain!

(Captain shoots engineer)

Engineer: Idiot... gaak.. (dies)

Captain: Hmm, I wonder what he might have been trying to tell me? (turns around) Oh no! The Golden Arches! Fast food restaurant, parking lot, drive-through window! We were on Earth all along! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE KNOWN?

The End