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Mail Crawl
Jan. 26th, 2007 06:34 pm
Dear Postmaster,
Thank you for your note. No winter in this hellhole would be complete without a snotty letter from the Useless Post Office about how to shovel snow from around my mailbox. Trust me, the experience just wouldn't be the same without your particular contribution to the general misery.
I might humbly propose that part of the problem rests with the letter carrier. I'm sure a Geo Metro is a fine little hunk of cheap tin in its own way, and at 60 miles per gallon it must make her a FORTUNE in mileage reimbursment. However, it seems to me that a three-cylinder wheezer that weighs about twelve pounds and doesn't have enough ground clearance to drive over top of a cue ball without getting hung up is PROBABLY not the best vehicle for winter in a town where you get twenty feet of snow a year. In fact, I can't think of a worse winter vehicle for here, except maybe a skateboard.
Since you have told me how to do my job, I will dare to tell you how to do yours. Your job is to put the mail in the mailbox. I don't care if you have to actually stick your delicate, flower-scented hands out the window of the car into the cruel, cold winter air to do it. You're asking me to get a heart attack shoveling every speck of snow down to bare pavement for twenty feet on each side of the blasted mailbox; you can damned well risk chapped hands, as far as I'm concerned.
Besides, I AM shoveling out the mailbox. I do it every night. You want to blame someone for the snow piled around it, don't blame me. Blame Clem and Bubba from the Road Commission. They're the ones who come by in their nuclear-powered Snowplow from Hell and scrape up a wall of ice and pavement chunks in front of my box-- when they're not actually smashing everyone's mailboxes with the plow, which is another issue.
Let's see whether you have learned this lesson correctly.
1. Your job is to:
a. Sit inside and refuse to deliver mail at all on chilly days
b. Write snotty letters about shoveling snow
c. PUT THE MAIL IN THE MAILBOX.
2. When confronted with snow around the mailbox, you should
a. Write snotty letters
b. Go down to Arlene's and slap Clem and Bubba on the back because they did such a good job giving you an excuse not to earn your pay today
c. PUT THE MAIL IN THE MAILBOX.
3. If you have to stick your hand out the window more than six inches to deliver the mail, you should
a. Refuse to do it
b. Throw the mail into the snowbank
c. PUT THE DAMNED MAIL IN THE DAMNED MAILBOX.
If you have any intelligence at all, the answers to the above questions should be obvious.
Winter is tough. Please don't make it any harder. Remember that summer will come, even here, sooner or later. And if it comes on a weekend this year, let's have a picnic.
Sincerely,
Hafoc
Thank you for your note. No winter in this hellhole would be complete without a snotty letter from the Useless Post Office about how to shovel snow from around my mailbox. Trust me, the experience just wouldn't be the same without your particular contribution to the general misery.
I might humbly propose that part of the problem rests with the letter carrier. I'm sure a Geo Metro is a fine little hunk of cheap tin in its own way, and at 60 miles per gallon it must make her a FORTUNE in mileage reimbursment. However, it seems to me that a three-cylinder wheezer that weighs about twelve pounds and doesn't have enough ground clearance to drive over top of a cue ball without getting hung up is PROBABLY not the best vehicle for winter in a town where you get twenty feet of snow a year. In fact, I can't think of a worse winter vehicle for here, except maybe a skateboard.
Since you have told me how to do my job, I will dare to tell you how to do yours. Your job is to put the mail in the mailbox. I don't care if you have to actually stick your delicate, flower-scented hands out the window of the car into the cruel, cold winter air to do it. You're asking me to get a heart attack shoveling every speck of snow down to bare pavement for twenty feet on each side of the blasted mailbox; you can damned well risk chapped hands, as far as I'm concerned.
Besides, I AM shoveling out the mailbox. I do it every night. You want to blame someone for the snow piled around it, don't blame me. Blame Clem and Bubba from the Road Commission. They're the ones who come by in their nuclear-powered Snowplow from Hell and scrape up a wall of ice and pavement chunks in front of my box-- when they're not actually smashing everyone's mailboxes with the plow, which is another issue.
Let's see whether you have learned this lesson correctly.
1. Your job is to:
a. Sit inside and refuse to deliver mail at all on chilly days
b. Write snotty letters about shoveling snow
c. PUT THE MAIL IN THE MAILBOX.
2. When confronted with snow around the mailbox, you should
a. Write snotty letters
b. Go down to Arlene's and slap Clem and Bubba on the back because they did such a good job giving you an excuse not to earn your pay today
c. PUT THE MAIL IN THE MAILBOX.
3. If you have to stick your hand out the window more than six inches to deliver the mail, you should
a. Refuse to do it
b. Throw the mail into the snowbank
c. PUT THE DAMNED MAIL IN THE DAMNED MAILBOX.
If you have any intelligence at all, the answers to the above questions should be obvious.
Winter is tough. Please don't make it any harder. Remember that summer will come, even here, sooner or later. And if it comes on a weekend this year, let's have a picnic.
Sincerely,
Hafoc
