A New England Tale by Catharine Maria Sedgwick--1822--Condensed Version

Mother: I think our debts are getting out of hand, Sir. I'm just glad I've been able to raise little Jane in Christian principles, even though my character is so weak that I couldn't stand up against you in your foolish schemes.

Father: Oh, don't worry, dear. All I have to do is borrow some more money and this latest investment will save us-- oh, look! A bottle of rum! (Takes a drink and dies)

Mother: Oh no! I can't do anything on my own! (dies)

Jane: But who will take care of me?

Aunt Wilson: It's my duty to take you in even though I don't like you. Besides, you can do all the work in the house, and it will cost less than a hired servant. We need someone to take care of the place when we're off at prayer meetings and kicking beggars and leaving the sick to die in the snow and stuff. And I don't feel guilty for it, because I know you stole my five hundred dollars, but I forgive you. Just don't forget it.

Jane: Oh, thanks, Aunt! I'm so grateful! (Gets pail and scrubbrush and starts working on the floor)

Mr. Lowell: Hi. I'm the youngish Quaker who was traveling through this area with my dying wife for no good reason. She said she wanted to be buried here, for no good reason, so I need to buy a house.

Aunt Wilson: Well, my brother's is for sale.

Mr. Lowell: Good! I'll take it, and I'll keep Jane's friend, Mary, the servant, on the payroll too. And I'll give Jane money to go to school.

Jane: (on her knees, still scrubbing the floor) Oh, thank you, disinterested stranger!

Martha: Mother, because of the unChristian principles in which you raised me, I'm going to run away to the next town and marry the tavern keeper. Oh, dear, I think I've caught the clap! (dies)

Elvira: And I like Mr. Erskine. You'll like him too, Mother. He's rich.

Jane: He liked me better because of my proper Christian principles, but he said bad things about Mr. Lowell, and then he got in a duel where Mr. Lowell got wounded trying to get between the principals--

Mr. Lowell: (wrapping a handkerchief around his arm) It's only a flesh wound!

Jane: --So he had to go to New York, where he abandoned his Christian principles.

Elvira: Oooh, that sounds like fun! Hey you, dancing master in disguise, would you marry me and take me to New York to abandon my Christian principles?

Dancing Master: Sure.

Aunt Wilson: Well, these kids sure want to make me look bad. What's next?

Henry: (running in from stage left) Hi, Mom! I had a drink of rum and robbed a stagecoach, and they sentenced me to death. Remember?

Aunt Wilson: I'm not paying a penny for a lawyer!

Henry: No problem, I broke out of jail. Now I'm running off to New York to abandon my Christian principles, and I'm going to go to the Caribbean and become a pirate. Oh, by the way, Jane didn't steal your five hundred dollars, I did. And also, by the way, I'm so lacking in Christian principles because you're a hard-hearted old bag without any true Christian principles in you anywhere. Byebye and see you in hell! (runs off)

Aunt Wilson: Why, these kids are such ingrates I could just... gaaaaKKKKKK! (dies)

Mr. Lowell: Hey, look at that! Everyone's dead or run away but you and me, Jane!

Jane: Sure looks that way.

Mr. Lowell: You want to become a Quaker and marry me? We have really good Christian principles!

Jane: Sure! And I'd like to thank God for trying my gold in the fire of tribulation, and also leading me to become the wife of a man with good Christian principles-- which is, of course, the very best thing that a woman could ever hope for!

Mr. Lowell: Let's get to church and then go start a Missionary school or something, then.

Jane: Oh, thank God, what a wonderful life we'll live!

(exutent omnes)