The Gifts Come Forth

You see them all year in tourist traps. Gifts, labeled and sold as such. You know the kind. Toothpick holders shaped like Mount Rushmore. Ceramic clowns with SOUVENIR OF FARGO NORTH DAKOTA painted on their tummies. Wooden moose that poop M&Ms. That kind of stuff.

But this time of year, they creep from such low-budget dens of commercialism to invade the countryside at large. And they're joined by bretheren seen only this time of year. Turnip-carving sets. Heavy duty electric rotary nose-hair trimmers. Appliances the size of a small suitcase that can ONLY grill hot dogs. Well, perhaps sausages too. And they warm the buns on top.

I sort of wish that people would come to realize that if they wouldn't allow the godsforsaken thing in their own house, odds are Aunt Marge won't be thrilled by it either. Unless she's a Bogan who collects black velvet Elvis paintings or something. Or perhaps singing fish. (I read a good story about singing fish once, but darned if I can find it now.)

But anyway-- to get back to the subject at hand-- if all America ever did have such an attack of "common" sense, it would probably tank our whole economy faster than $100 crude. So let us join Erasmus in the praise of folly!

Clean Energy Venture

It has CONFIDENTIAL stamped all over it, but since I'm not giving particulars and since they've already held a press conference to announce it, I suppose I won't be breaking any confidences by telling you about this Power Point presentation I have on my desk.

Or printout of a Power Point presentation. Power Point is on the short list of things I promise to ban upon pain of death once I'm elected Supreme World Dictator. It's boring, it's useless, and it leads people to print out the presentations for you if you are so "unfortunate" as to miss the meeting. Let me tell you, the only thing more lame than a Power Point presentation is a printout of one. Twenty pages of printout to hold the same amount of information that would fit in a half-page memo. What's with that?

Anyway, the presentation is about a power plant that's proposed for our region.

We do need electricity, of course. Everyone does, it seems. Thing is, the proposed plant is to be coal-fired. Filthy, toxin-spewing, soot-blasting, mercury and radium-laden global-warming glacier-melting COAL. Out of all the things they could have used they decided on COAL.

But let us not be so hasty! Our friends, the Honest Businessmen, are earnest and sincere and are fully aware of the problems associated with coal combustion. And being Honest, and being Hip, With It, and Groovy about this whole Environment thing, they have taken Decisive Action.

Yes, indeedy, people. Your future is in good hands. For, fully aware of the problems of coal, these Honest Businessmen have assembled in committees and study groups. They have commissioned research at great expense. And yes, indeed, they have found a solution! After untold amounts of money spent on thorough research, they have decided to address the problems of coal combustion by naming their facility (something like) the Blue Sky Clean Energy Venture!

Don't you feel safer now?