Foxx Mildrew
Apr. 25th, 2010 06:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hafoc
I wrote this last year and submitted it for the Con Book of one of the conventions I attend. They rejected it, and rightly so; it's bad. Really bad.
But it is an example of the sort of tin-eared jeering farce I create when I set out to write something, ANYTHING, absent any ideas on what to write. Perhaps letting it see the light of day will prevent people from asking me to do that.
And then of course I'm in a bit of a writer's block at the moment. I have no ideas about what to write, so I was thinking of making a tin-eared jeering farce. Which reminded me I already have one. Well, in this case, one is definitely better than two...
So... let me introduce you to...
Foxx Mildrew
In a room illuminated only by an eerie bluish flicker, a cell phone chirped. The trench-coated fox sat up, tossed aside tonight's pizza box, and flipped the phone open.
"Mildrew."
"Foxx, it's Skunkley. We've got a call about a missing persons case up in Pennsylvania."
Foxx stopped the DVD player, swearing softly to himself. Vixie does Vegas had almost played as far as the nude roller-derby scene, but it looked like his plans for tonight's entertainment were shot! "All right, what have you got?"
"Six kids have gone missing now. They were all in their last year of high school or their first two years at the Community College, and they were all members of the science fiction fan club. A week ago Thursday a woodchuck named James Charles left home to go to his job at the Dairy Barn, and..."
"Wait a minute. This sounds just like that case we discussed Monday."
"It is, yes. It's exactly the same case."
"And someone else has vanished?"
"No."
"The Sheriff has called and wants us to come up immediately because of some new evidence that..."
"Not in particular."
"We're supposed to leave immediately?"
"No, tomorrow at ten."
"So you could have told me when I came to work tomorrow."
"Sure, but I thought you'd like to know as soon as possible."
Foxx sighed. "Thanks for looking out for me, Skunkley. See you in the morning." He reached for the remote and punched PLAY.
#
Sheriff Gabsworthy looked even more hostile than badgers usually do. "You're here in Enterprise to investigate the alien abduction stories? Great. Just what we need. It's not bad enough we have to put up with everyday crackpots, now we got official Federal tax-supported crackpots too."
Skunkley was her sincere best, an effect somewhat damaged by the eye-watering strength of her cologne. "We're not saying aliens abducted your teenagers, Sheriff. It's just that some strange things have been going on. Half a dozen kids have gone missing. You have to admit that bears investigation."
"They went to stay overnight at someone else's house."
"One of them's been gone almost two months."
Gabsworthy shrugged. "So the friend's house is in Fort Lauderdale. Spring break. These things happen."
Foxx said "Then there are the lights in the sky."
"Swamp gas."
"Every night?"
"Well, we have gas from the old coal mines too."
"And the cattle mutilations?"
"Cow dies, the coyotes and ravens get at it, all of a sudden the farmer's howling about Satanists or aliens. It's just death by natural causes and then scavengers. Nothing
unusual."
"Apparently some of your scavengers had heavy machine guns, high-powered lasers, flamethrowers..."
"So some of the old guys around here might have brought a few things home from the War. Things like that happen around here."
"If you say so, Sheriff. Mind if Skunkley and I look around a little on our own, though?"
"Would you go away if I said I did mind?"
"No."
"Then go knock yourself out. But you ain't gonna find any aliens. Huh. Ridiculous."
#
Mildrew and Skunkley climbed over the fence and dropped to their bellies in the tall grass. Two of the cattle grazing in the field raised their heads, watching curiously, and then returned to their grazing.
"Foxx, you're sure this is where the lights appeared last night? It's hard to tell in the dark--"
"Shhh! Listen! What's that?"
It was a harmonious noise, too low in pitch to call a whine, and it seemed to be coming from overhead. It was getting louder. Then blazing light shattered the summer darkness. A large machine of some kind, shaped more like a huge white brick than anything else, was settling gently onto the pasture in exactly the quiet way a huge white brick wouldn't.
Mildrew and Skunkley were shocked to silence as what was self-evidently a spaceship landed.
A door in its side opened. Forms, strange forms, began to emerge from the ship's brilliantly lit interior.
"What are they, Foxx? What are they? Greys? Little green men?"
"No, they're..."
The first creature down the ramp looked like a tall, skinny human with cat ears and a long tail. She wore some kind of a Spandex uniform, in black and red, with high heeled boots and what looked like bracers. The next was another female human, shorter, with freckles and pink hair. Next came a razor-thin male with a scar across his face, wearing an eyepatch. He wore black leather with a black cape, two katanas slung on his back so that one handle extended above each of his shoulders. A busty blonde with violet eyes, another cat-girl, a stunning redhead with green eyes and a tragic past...
A tall man with a beard, the only person there who looked halfway normal, appeared to be their leader. He too wore the Spandex uniform, but plain. He tapped a gold medal he wore on his chest. "Captain? We're down."
"Good. Proceed with the mission, Commander."
"Aye, sir. All right, spread out, secure the perimeter." The leader took the hand of the cat-girl and kissed it. "Lieutenant RavenWynd my dear, take the east side, Lieutenant Destructo, the west. Ensign X.. Ensign X! Wesley! Where are you?"
"Here, Commander Striker." Ensign Wesley X seemed to be a pimple-faced teenager, and he wore steampunk goggles with cast-iron frames and dark lenses. He typed madly on a computer keyboard that floated in midair in front of him, held there by no discernible agency. "The signal is coming from this hill. There can be no doubt of it."
Mildrew looked at Skunkley. Skunkley looked at Mildrew. They groaned. "A ship of Mary Sues," they said in unison.
"What was that?" The Man in Black, who was apparently Lieutenant Destructo, reached back
and drew his swords. "I see you, foul-scented Earthling type people. I shall kill you with my Twin Sword Tiger Jutsu of Certain Death, because my kung fu is greater than yours and you must prepare to die because my jutsu is great and you will lose so I shall win. EgaaahhHHHHHH!!!..."
Mildrew shot him. Twice.
The hilltop exploded in a blaze of BFG-9000s blasting randomly into the darkness in all directions. Bits of neko girls and ninja warriors who had been unfortunate enough to have shipmates behind them rained down, oddly bloodless. The aliens' commander stood at the center of it all, hands clenched into fists, shouting into the chaos. "Lieutenant RavenStar WylfMoon WindSun DarkkBlayde Heart Moon Star Clover PurpleHorseshoe ALL OF YOU CEASE FIRE, DAMMIT!"
The firestorm slowed. It stopped. "What in the name of.."
Something chirped. "Away Party, are you there?"
A terminally cute little girl tapped the gold medal on her chest. "We're here, Daddy!"
"I will have proper discipline, Ensign Packard."
"Oh. Yes Sir, Captain Daddy."
"Better. Commander, we've picked up subspace emissions indicating an enemy starship may be approaching. Take cover. We'll fight them off and come back for you."
"Don't be ridiculous, sir! We launch immediately. All Lieutenants and Ensigns Raven Wolf Star Moon Whatever back to the shuttlecraft! Captain, we need Wesley X aboard to bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish and reconfigure the ship's toaster to repel a subspace cyberattack! And we need Lieutenant Destructo at tactical!"
"But Draco's been shot!" Ensign RyverWynd SoulStone wailed, supporting the bleeding, leather-clad lieutenant.
"It's all right, my love," Destructo muttered, forcing himself upright. "He only got my left lung and my spleen. I am still able to serve gallantly at my post until the end of the battle, only then collapsing to be carried to Sick Bay where all will despair for my chances of survival."
"Well, all that's settled then," the commander said. "Back to the ship!"
Carrying the larger bits of their slain, the Sues rushed back aboard their shuttlecraft. Within seconds the door closed and the ship lifted into the sky. The ship's lights went out, and it was as if it had never been there, except for the little bits of ninja warrior, the burn marks in the grass, the burning barn across the valley and the fires in the forest on the other three sides, and the sound of approaching sirens.
"Mary Sues! I thought they were legend, but here-- Foxx! Foxx! Good gods, what happened?"
Foxx groaned. "Must have been... sex ray... phasers. I feel so yiffy..."
"How can you think about sex when you're CHARRED? Lie down, an ambulance..."
"No, not charred, just scorched." Foxx brushed at his hair; it was blackened and crumbled away, but the skin beneath didn't seem damaged. "I really do wish it canceled the other effects of the sex rays. But burned fur never did stand a chance of defeating yiffiness."
"We've got to get you to a hospital anyway. I can't believe you're not hurt."
The first fire truck arrived. A Sheriff's Cruiser followed it in. Sheriff Gabsworthy drove through a hole that had been conveniently blasted through the fence. He skidded the car to a stop near Mildrew and Skunkley. The old badger looked worried for them. Maybe he was a better guy than they'd thought.
"Did you see the..." Foxx breathed.
"Sure did! Sure did. Blamedest case of spontaneous combustion I've ever seen. And here and way over there far side of the valley at the same time! I've never seen the like!"
"But... but..."
"Later, Foxx, Skunkley said into his ear softly. She kissed him on the ear as she helped him into the Sheriff's car. Gabsworthy hit the gas. Wheels spun, gravel sprayed as he headed off toward town, and the hospital.
The woods were wet. The Volunteer Fire Department didn't have much trouble putting out the fires. Soon they were gone, and only the cattle remained, quietly grazing in the scorched and shattered pasture.
Bessie the Cow looked around. There was nobody in sight except the other cattle. She lifted her head, looking toward a point about twenty minutes right ascention ahead of the limb of the full moon. A light appeared, grew brighter, flickered, and faded away.
Bessie smiled. "Our trap is a success! The Federation warship has been destroyed, Praetor."
Daisy raised her head from the grass and nodded. "Good. Notify the Lactic Overlord. Our invasion shall proceed exactly as planned."
And Daisy laughed. Her maniacal laughter-- maniacal laughter that sounded a lot like "Moo Moo Moo," but maniacal laughter nonetheless-- echoed through the darkling woods, wrapped with wisps of chill fog, beneath an eternal and uncaring sky.
The End
But it is an example of the sort of tin-eared jeering farce I create when I set out to write something, ANYTHING, absent any ideas on what to write. Perhaps letting it see the light of day will prevent people from asking me to do that.
And then of course I'm in a bit of a writer's block at the moment. I have no ideas about what to write, so I was thinking of making a tin-eared jeering farce. Which reminded me I already have one. Well, in this case, one is definitely better than two...
So... let me introduce you to...
Foxx Mildrew
In a room illuminated only by an eerie bluish flicker, a cell phone chirped. The trench-coated fox sat up, tossed aside tonight's pizza box, and flipped the phone open.
"Mildrew."
"Foxx, it's Skunkley. We've got a call about a missing persons case up in Pennsylvania."
Foxx stopped the DVD player, swearing softly to himself. Vixie does Vegas had almost played as far as the nude roller-derby scene, but it looked like his plans for tonight's entertainment were shot! "All right, what have you got?"
"Six kids have gone missing now. They were all in their last year of high school or their first two years at the Community College, and they were all members of the science fiction fan club. A week ago Thursday a woodchuck named James Charles left home to go to his job at the Dairy Barn, and..."
"Wait a minute. This sounds just like that case we discussed Monday."
"It is, yes. It's exactly the same case."
"And someone else has vanished?"
"No."
"The Sheriff has called and wants us to come up immediately because of some new evidence that..."
"Not in particular."
"We're supposed to leave immediately?"
"No, tomorrow at ten."
"So you could have told me when I came to work tomorrow."
"Sure, but I thought you'd like to know as soon as possible."
Foxx sighed. "Thanks for looking out for me, Skunkley. See you in the morning." He reached for the remote and punched PLAY.
#
Sheriff Gabsworthy looked even more hostile than badgers usually do. "You're here in Enterprise to investigate the alien abduction stories? Great. Just what we need. It's not bad enough we have to put up with everyday crackpots, now we got official Federal tax-supported crackpots too."
Skunkley was her sincere best, an effect somewhat damaged by the eye-watering strength of her cologne. "We're not saying aliens abducted your teenagers, Sheriff. It's just that some strange things have been going on. Half a dozen kids have gone missing. You have to admit that bears investigation."
"They went to stay overnight at someone else's house."
"One of them's been gone almost two months."
Gabsworthy shrugged. "So the friend's house is in Fort Lauderdale. Spring break. These things happen."
Foxx said "Then there are the lights in the sky."
"Swamp gas."
"Every night?"
"Well, we have gas from the old coal mines too."
"And the cattle mutilations?"
"Cow dies, the coyotes and ravens get at it, all of a sudden the farmer's howling about Satanists or aliens. It's just death by natural causes and then scavengers. Nothing
unusual."
"Apparently some of your scavengers had heavy machine guns, high-powered lasers, flamethrowers..."
"So some of the old guys around here might have brought a few things home from the War. Things like that happen around here."
"If you say so, Sheriff. Mind if Skunkley and I look around a little on our own, though?"
"Would you go away if I said I did mind?"
"No."
"Then go knock yourself out. But you ain't gonna find any aliens. Huh. Ridiculous."
#
Mildrew and Skunkley climbed over the fence and dropped to their bellies in the tall grass. Two of the cattle grazing in the field raised their heads, watching curiously, and then returned to their grazing.
"Foxx, you're sure this is where the lights appeared last night? It's hard to tell in the dark--"
"Shhh! Listen! What's that?"
It was a harmonious noise, too low in pitch to call a whine, and it seemed to be coming from overhead. It was getting louder. Then blazing light shattered the summer darkness. A large machine of some kind, shaped more like a huge white brick than anything else, was settling gently onto the pasture in exactly the quiet way a huge white brick wouldn't.
Mildrew and Skunkley were shocked to silence as what was self-evidently a spaceship landed.
A door in its side opened. Forms, strange forms, began to emerge from the ship's brilliantly lit interior.
"What are they, Foxx? What are they? Greys? Little green men?"
"No, they're..."
The first creature down the ramp looked like a tall, skinny human with cat ears and a long tail. She wore some kind of a Spandex uniform, in black and red, with high heeled boots and what looked like bracers. The next was another female human, shorter, with freckles and pink hair. Next came a razor-thin male with a scar across his face, wearing an eyepatch. He wore black leather with a black cape, two katanas slung on his back so that one handle extended above each of his shoulders. A busty blonde with violet eyes, another cat-girl, a stunning redhead with green eyes and a tragic past...
A tall man with a beard, the only person there who looked halfway normal, appeared to be their leader. He too wore the Spandex uniform, but plain. He tapped a gold medal he wore on his chest. "Captain? We're down."
"Good. Proceed with the mission, Commander."
"Aye, sir. All right, spread out, secure the perimeter." The leader took the hand of the cat-girl and kissed it. "Lieutenant RavenWynd my dear, take the east side, Lieutenant Destructo, the west. Ensign X.. Ensign X! Wesley! Where are you?"
"Here, Commander Striker." Ensign Wesley X seemed to be a pimple-faced teenager, and he wore steampunk goggles with cast-iron frames and dark lenses. He typed madly on a computer keyboard that floated in midair in front of him, held there by no discernible agency. "The signal is coming from this hill. There can be no doubt of it."
Mildrew looked at Skunkley. Skunkley looked at Mildrew. They groaned. "A ship of Mary Sues," they said in unison.
"What was that?" The Man in Black, who was apparently Lieutenant Destructo, reached back
and drew his swords. "I see you, foul-scented Earthling type people. I shall kill you with my Twin Sword Tiger Jutsu of Certain Death, because my kung fu is greater than yours and you must prepare to die because my jutsu is great and you will lose so I shall win. EgaaahhHHHHHH!!!..."
Mildrew shot him. Twice.
The hilltop exploded in a blaze of BFG-9000s blasting randomly into the darkness in all directions. Bits of neko girls and ninja warriors who had been unfortunate enough to have shipmates behind them rained down, oddly bloodless. The aliens' commander stood at the center of it all, hands clenched into fists, shouting into the chaos. "Lieutenant RavenStar WylfMoon WindSun DarkkBlayde Heart Moon Star Clover PurpleHorseshoe ALL OF YOU CEASE FIRE, DAMMIT!"
The firestorm slowed. It stopped. "What in the name of.."
Something chirped. "Away Party, are you there?"
A terminally cute little girl tapped the gold medal on her chest. "We're here, Daddy!"
"I will have proper discipline, Ensign Packard."
"Oh. Yes Sir, Captain Daddy."
"Better. Commander, we've picked up subspace emissions indicating an enemy starship may be approaching. Take cover. We'll fight them off and come back for you."
"Don't be ridiculous, sir! We launch immediately. All Lieutenants and Ensigns Raven Wolf Star Moon Whatever back to the shuttlecraft! Captain, we need Wesley X aboard to bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish and reconfigure the ship's toaster to repel a subspace cyberattack! And we need Lieutenant Destructo at tactical!"
"But Draco's been shot!" Ensign RyverWynd SoulStone wailed, supporting the bleeding, leather-clad lieutenant.
"It's all right, my love," Destructo muttered, forcing himself upright. "He only got my left lung and my spleen. I am still able to serve gallantly at my post until the end of the battle, only then collapsing to be carried to Sick Bay where all will despair for my chances of survival."
"Well, all that's settled then," the commander said. "Back to the ship!"
Carrying the larger bits of their slain, the Sues rushed back aboard their shuttlecraft. Within seconds the door closed and the ship lifted into the sky. The ship's lights went out, and it was as if it had never been there, except for the little bits of ninja warrior, the burn marks in the grass, the burning barn across the valley and the fires in the forest on the other three sides, and the sound of approaching sirens.
"Mary Sues! I thought they were legend, but here-- Foxx! Foxx! Good gods, what happened?"
Foxx groaned. "Must have been... sex ray... phasers. I feel so yiffy..."
"How can you think about sex when you're CHARRED? Lie down, an ambulance..."
"No, not charred, just scorched." Foxx brushed at his hair; it was blackened and crumbled away, but the skin beneath didn't seem damaged. "I really do wish it canceled the other effects of the sex rays. But burned fur never did stand a chance of defeating yiffiness."
"We've got to get you to a hospital anyway. I can't believe you're not hurt."
The first fire truck arrived. A Sheriff's Cruiser followed it in. Sheriff Gabsworthy drove through a hole that had been conveniently blasted through the fence. He skidded the car to a stop near Mildrew and Skunkley. The old badger looked worried for them. Maybe he was a better guy than they'd thought.
"Did you see the..." Foxx breathed.
"Sure did! Sure did. Blamedest case of spontaneous combustion I've ever seen. And here and way over there far side of the valley at the same time! I've never seen the like!"
"But... but..."
"Later, Foxx, Skunkley said into his ear softly. She kissed him on the ear as she helped him into the Sheriff's car. Gabsworthy hit the gas. Wheels spun, gravel sprayed as he headed off toward town, and the hospital.
The woods were wet. The Volunteer Fire Department didn't have much trouble putting out the fires. Soon they were gone, and only the cattle remained, quietly grazing in the scorched and shattered pasture.
Bessie the Cow looked around. There was nobody in sight except the other cattle. She lifted her head, looking toward a point about twenty minutes right ascention ahead of the limb of the full moon. A light appeared, grew brighter, flickered, and faded away.
Bessie smiled. "Our trap is a success! The Federation warship has been destroyed, Praetor."
Daisy raised her head from the grass and nodded. "Good. Notify the Lactic Overlord. Our invasion shall proceed exactly as planned."
And Daisy laughed. Her maniacal laughter-- maniacal laughter that sounded a lot like "Moo Moo Moo," but maniacal laughter nonetheless-- echoed through the darkling woods, wrapped with wisps of chill fog, beneath an eternal and uncaring sky.
The End
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Date: 2010-04-26 01:29 am (UTC)Whooo.