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The Plague Dogs (Short Version)
Apr. 18th, 2012 06:08 pm
The Plague Dogs by Richard Adams
Short Version
(Scene One: Laboratory)
Powell: Dr. Boycott, why are you drowning that dog?
Boycott: Why do you think? I'm a guy who does animal testing in a lab! I do it for the same reason ANY such researcher would: because I'm EEEEEVIL! Everybody knows there's no reason to test anything on animals in labs except because you're EEEEEEVIL.
Powell: OK, that explains everything.
Boycott: Also, since I do animal research, I'm stupid. That's why I named the laboratory ARSE and remained completely oblivious to the idea that this combination of letters might have negative connotations.
Powell: That's pretty subtle. Do you think the readers are smart enough to catch it?
Boycott: Probably not, but it's OK. We'll emphasize the point some more later. Now, are there more dogs for me to drown?
Powell: Right here-- hey, where did they go?
(Scene Two: The Wilderness)
Rowf: Boy, we're lucky to get out of there. But I'm hungry. Here's a car with a bag of potato chips inside! (jumps in and grabs the chips)
Snitter: The driver's coming back. Run! (They run)
Wescott: Those mutts stole my potato chips! I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life to hunting them down and killing them, because I'm EEEEVIL! Let's see. Here's my gun- see, I own a gun, so I'm EEEEVIL. I think I'll climb up to the crumbling unstable edge of this cliff so I can get a good shot. (Slips) AEEEE! That was predictable. That ground looks hard. (SPLAT!)
Rowf and Snitter: Oooh, that sounded like a bag of meat hitting the rocks! DINNER!
Driver: Hmm, what innocent creatures can I victimize by writing them up in a sensational story in my newspaper, because I am EEEEVIL? Oh, look, man-eating dogs! I'll say they killed Wescott before eating him. Call out the army! (scribbles madly in his notebook)
Rowf: By the way, I'm Rowf, and I hate all humans because they are EEEEVIL.
Snitter: I'm Snitter, and I knew a human who wasn't evil. He saved me from getting hit by a truck!
Rowf: That's cool.
Snitter: But he got hit by the truck himself.
Rowf: Bummer.
Snitter: Yeah. His EEEEVIL sister, Annie Mosity--
Rowf: As in "animosity?" That's pretty subtle. You think the readers are smart enough to catch it?
Snitter: Probably not, but that's OK. We'll emphasize the point some more later. Anyway, she was really EEEEVIL. She always hated me!
Rowf: Well, I can see that. You are kind of annoying.
Snitter: And she sold me to the animal experiment lab for a lot of money!
Rowf: Wait.. that doesn't make sense. They could have gotten any number of shelter dogs for free. And anyway, I'm not sure that proves she is EEEEEVIL.
Snitter: But she did it to get money for a FUR COAT!
Rowf: GASP! EEEEVIL!
The Todd: Hi, I'm a fox who is here to show you how to hunt. Go grab those sheep and rip their throats out.
Rowf: Like that?
The Todd: Yeah.
Driver: Ooooh! (Scribbles madly in his notebook)
The Todd: Good, and now we should-- oh, sorry, there are some humans coming, and they're EEEEVIL. Fox hunters, you know. They're going to have their dogs rip me to pieces to show how EEEEVIL they are.
Snitter: That's pretty subtle. You think the readers are smart enough to catch it?
The Todd: Probably not, but it's OK. We can.. IEEEEEEEEE! (dies)
Snitter: Well, that sucks. Let's swim out to sea and drown.
Rowf: No way. I'm scared of water.
Snitter: But I have brain damage that lets me see an island that isn't there!
Rowf: Good enough. Let's go.
(The End of the original version)
Epilogue:
Santa Claus: Hi, I'm here to rescue you. The EEEEVIL reporter had a change of heart and brought Snitter's master back from the dead, and they're waiting on shore for me to bring you to him.
Rowf: Aren't you mythological?
Santa Claus: Sure. But the readers wouldn't let you drown pointlessly at sea, so the author grudgingly arranged your rescue in an epilogue. He was mad that they made him do it and upset that they couldn't appreciate the hard-edged realism of the rest of this story, so he had a mythological being rescue you as a way of insulting them.
Snitter: That's kind of subtle. Do you think the readers are smart enough to catch it?
Santa Claus: Probably not, but that's OK. We can emphasize the point more later in the story.
Snitter: No, you can't. This is the end of the book.
Santa Claus: Crap.
(The End. For real this time.)
Short Version
(Scene One: Laboratory)
Powell: Dr. Boycott, why are you drowning that dog?
Boycott: Why do you think? I'm a guy who does animal testing in a lab! I do it for the same reason ANY such researcher would: because I'm EEEEEVIL! Everybody knows there's no reason to test anything on animals in labs except because you're EEEEEEVIL.
Powell: OK, that explains everything.
Boycott: Also, since I do animal research, I'm stupid. That's why I named the laboratory ARSE and remained completely oblivious to the idea that this combination of letters might have negative connotations.
Powell: That's pretty subtle. Do you think the readers are smart enough to catch it?
Boycott: Probably not, but it's OK. We'll emphasize the point some more later. Now, are there more dogs for me to drown?
Powell: Right here-- hey, where did they go?
(Scene Two: The Wilderness)
Rowf: Boy, we're lucky to get out of there. But I'm hungry. Here's a car with a bag of potato chips inside! (jumps in and grabs the chips)
Snitter: The driver's coming back. Run! (They run)
Wescott: Those mutts stole my potato chips! I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life to hunting them down and killing them, because I'm EEEEVIL! Let's see. Here's my gun- see, I own a gun, so I'm EEEEVIL. I think I'll climb up to the crumbling unstable edge of this cliff so I can get a good shot. (Slips) AEEEE! That was predictable. That ground looks hard. (SPLAT!)
Rowf and Snitter: Oooh, that sounded like a bag of meat hitting the rocks! DINNER!
Driver: Hmm, what innocent creatures can I victimize by writing them up in a sensational story in my newspaper, because I am EEEEVIL? Oh, look, man-eating dogs! I'll say they killed Wescott before eating him. Call out the army! (scribbles madly in his notebook)
Rowf: By the way, I'm Rowf, and I hate all humans because they are EEEEVIL.
Snitter: I'm Snitter, and I knew a human who wasn't evil. He saved me from getting hit by a truck!
Rowf: That's cool.
Snitter: But he got hit by the truck himself.
Rowf: Bummer.
Snitter: Yeah. His EEEEVIL sister, Annie Mosity--
Rowf: As in "animosity?" That's pretty subtle. You think the readers are smart enough to catch it?
Snitter: Probably not, but that's OK. We'll emphasize the point some more later. Anyway, she was really EEEEVIL. She always hated me!
Rowf: Well, I can see that. You are kind of annoying.
Snitter: And she sold me to the animal experiment lab for a lot of money!
Rowf: Wait.. that doesn't make sense. They could have gotten any number of shelter dogs for free. And anyway, I'm not sure that proves she is EEEEEVIL.
Snitter: But she did it to get money for a FUR COAT!
Rowf: GASP! EEEEVIL!
The Todd: Hi, I'm a fox who is here to show you how to hunt. Go grab those sheep and rip their throats out.
Rowf: Like that?
The Todd: Yeah.
Driver: Ooooh! (Scribbles madly in his notebook)
The Todd: Good, and now we should-- oh, sorry, there are some humans coming, and they're EEEEVIL. Fox hunters, you know. They're going to have their dogs rip me to pieces to show how EEEEVIL they are.
Snitter: That's pretty subtle. You think the readers are smart enough to catch it?
The Todd: Probably not, but it's OK. We can.. IEEEEEEEEE! (dies)
Snitter: Well, that sucks. Let's swim out to sea and drown.
Rowf: No way. I'm scared of water.
Snitter: But I have brain damage that lets me see an island that isn't there!
Rowf: Good enough. Let's go.
(The End of the original version)
Epilogue:
Santa Claus: Hi, I'm here to rescue you. The EEEEVIL reporter had a change of heart and brought Snitter's master back from the dead, and they're waiting on shore for me to bring you to him.
Rowf: Aren't you mythological?
Santa Claus: Sure. But the readers wouldn't let you drown pointlessly at sea, so the author grudgingly arranged your rescue in an epilogue. He was mad that they made him do it and upset that they couldn't appreciate the hard-edged realism of the rest of this story, so he had a mythological being rescue you as a way of insulting them.
Snitter: That's kind of subtle. Do you think the readers are smart enough to catch it?
Santa Claus: Probably not, but that's OK. We can emphasize the point more later in the story.
Snitter: No, you can't. This is the end of the book.
Santa Claus: Crap.
(The End. For real this time.)
