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Strange Radiation
Jan. 7th, 2012 02:49 pm
Every so often I hear about some new movie project and immediately start to hyperventilate. Eventually I calm myself by telling myself that it can't possibly be as bad as I think it's going to be.
Usually it is, of course.
There are remakes of movies that should never have been made in the first place. I suppose the rumored remake of _Starship Troopers_ rates as one of those, except you could argue that _Starship Troopers_ has never been made in the first place. Oh, yeah, the Bugs are there as they were in the original Heinlein novel, but the bozo who made the movie dressed all the characters in Waffen SS uniforms (apparently believing that he was being too subtle with his political viewpoint) and then left out the Cap Troopers' powered, armored suits-- which is rather like making an epic movie about Pearl Harbor without including any airplanes. Pitiful, really.
So maybe that has a point. I'm not sure that the upcoming movie _Battleship_ has any such point, though.
Battleship is supposed to be based on the game of the same name. "D-8, hit, you sunk my battleship!" That game?
The plot, so-called, is apparently a variation on the Strange Radiation from Outer Space theme. In this case the Strange Radiation is played by an alien force shield which somehow manages to seal all human weapons out of the battle area except for one battleship. Also, presumably, one carrier, one cruiser, one submarine, and one destroyer, all molded out of polypropylene.
To make it interesting we have the Screw Up Rebel Junior Officer, facing court martial, who is in love with the Hot Daughter of the Doctrinaire Admiral, who by chance also happens to be the commander of the ship where Rebel Junior Officer serves.
Now, the Strange Radiation Plot is usually along the lines of when the Ancient and Lordly Order of the Knights of Gonorrhea sally forth from their cathedral-citadel of Chikkun Noodl to bring order to the wastelands, they ride Shetland Ponies and carry Red Ryder BB Guns, because Strange Radiation from Outer Space keeps other weapons and other means of transportation from working. Or in other words, the author really liked ponies and BB guns.
In this case the author really likes battleships, apparently. All this appears to be an attempt to justify a CGI Battleship letting loose full broadsides on the wide screen, in 3D.
I gotta admit that would be pretty cool. Certainly offers more potential for pointless explosions than anything since Sylvester Stallone, and Pointless Explosions are the number one thing I look for in cinematic entertainment. But I'm not sure that even that is enough to get me to get me to watch "You're a disgrace to the service and I'm going to get you courtmartialled! D-8" "Miss! Bring me up on charges later! First I'm gonna save your daughter Jessica and all of Earth! D-7!" "Hit! What does Jessica have to do with it? You keep your hands off--"
But no, it can't be that bad.
Can it?
Usually it is, of course.
There are remakes of movies that should never have been made in the first place. I suppose the rumored remake of _Starship Troopers_ rates as one of those, except you could argue that _Starship Troopers_ has never been made in the first place. Oh, yeah, the Bugs are there as they were in the original Heinlein novel, but the bozo who made the movie dressed all the characters in Waffen SS uniforms (apparently believing that he was being too subtle with his political viewpoint) and then left out the Cap Troopers' powered, armored suits-- which is rather like making an epic movie about Pearl Harbor without including any airplanes. Pitiful, really.
So maybe that has a point. I'm not sure that the upcoming movie _Battleship_ has any such point, though.
Battleship is supposed to be based on the game of the same name. "D-8, hit, you sunk my battleship!" That game?
The plot, so-called, is apparently a variation on the Strange Radiation from Outer Space theme. In this case the Strange Radiation is played by an alien force shield which somehow manages to seal all human weapons out of the battle area except for one battleship. Also, presumably, one carrier, one cruiser, one submarine, and one destroyer, all molded out of polypropylene.
To make it interesting we have the Screw Up Rebel Junior Officer, facing court martial, who is in love with the Hot Daughter of the Doctrinaire Admiral, who by chance also happens to be the commander of the ship where Rebel Junior Officer serves.
Now, the Strange Radiation Plot is usually along the lines of when the Ancient and Lordly Order of the Knights of Gonorrhea sally forth from their cathedral-citadel of Chikkun Noodl to bring order to the wastelands, they ride Shetland Ponies and carry Red Ryder BB Guns, because Strange Radiation from Outer Space keeps other weapons and other means of transportation from working. Or in other words, the author really liked ponies and BB guns.
In this case the author really likes battleships, apparently. All this appears to be an attempt to justify a CGI Battleship letting loose full broadsides on the wide screen, in 3D.
I gotta admit that would be pretty cool. Certainly offers more potential for pointless explosions than anything since Sylvester Stallone, and Pointless Explosions are the number one thing I look for in cinematic entertainment. But I'm not sure that even that is enough to get me to get me to watch "You're a disgrace to the service and I'm going to get you courtmartialled! D-8" "Miss! Bring me up on charges later! First I'm gonna save your daughter Jessica and all of Earth! D-7!" "Hit! What does Jessica have to do with it? You keep your hands off--"
But no, it can't be that bad.
Can it?
