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Stalin's UFO
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:42 pm
(On May 18, 2011, Fresh Air with Terry Gross interviewed journalist Annie Jacobsen. Ms. Jacobsen wrote a book on Area 51 claiming that the Roswell flying saucer crash was actually carried out by the Soviet Union, under Joseph Stalin, with the help of certain Germans, to fool the Americans into thinking they were facing threat of an Invasion from Outer Space.
We set our scene in Joseph Stalin's secret Mad Scientist Lair, later used by producer Cubby Broccoli in the James Bond movie Thunderball. The various personnel required to carry out this operation are assembled, and the plot is set in motion.)
"I suppose you are wondering why I called you here today."
"The thought had crossed my mind," the handsome 18-year-old American said. The three young Germans nodded agreement.
"Patience, my friends. All will be revealed. Joseph, do your studies go well?"
Joseph Mengele smiled. Even at 21 years old, there was something horrible in the face of the future mass-murderer. "Indeed, Comrade Stalin. I expect to have my doctorate in about three years."
"That is commendably quick. Not quick enough, however. I wish we could wait until you had completed your degree; it would be much more impressive to have a true Mad Doctor doing our biological work for us instead of a mere Mad Scientist. But time is too short to allow it, and sacrifices must be made. I need you to produce something miraculous by 1934, only two years from now."
"And what does Comrade Stalin require of me?"
"I need you to genetically engineer some little gray aliens from outer space."
"Without the Nazi extermination camps, where I will do my best work, having even been planned yet? Tricky."
"I'll make it easier for you. The aliens must be small, but rather than engineer them to a smaller size, we will make use of them while they are still children, oh, thirteen years old or so. That should simplify the engineering. It will also cut our lead time to only 13 years. Still, if we want our counterfeit aliens to be thirteen years old by my target date of 1947, we need to have them born in 1934. That gives you two years to create your mutated alien-looking children and have them born. Can you do it?"
"Pish. Child's play. If that hack Frankenstein can stitch Boris Karloff together in the first ten minutes of the film, creating a race of aliens in two years is simplicity itself. Your lack of faith in the abilities I will develop during my studies insults me."
"Don't be that way, Joseph, I knew you could do it. Now, as for you, Walter and Reimar--"
"Yes, Comrade Stalin?" the teenaged Horten Brothers said as one.
"I need you to build me a flying saucer using Secret Nazi Aeronautical Science. Oh, first you must get an education, I suppose-- that upstart Hitler is going to establish glider clubs, you might start there. Be sure not to have a formal education, though. I need you to invent the most amazing aircraft in history, but have no official credentials, so that your jet fighter can't be used against me in the coming war."
The German lads blinked. "War, Comrade Stalin?"
"Yes, there's a little conflict coming, but don't worry about it. I need you to develop the technology for a hypersonic disc-shaped aircraft with intercontinental range and silent, vertical take off and landing capability. Price is no object as we will only build one. Granted, introducing such technology into our fighters, bombers, and transport aircraft would ensure we ruled the world within weeks, but the mission I have in mind is far more important. We will use your magnificent technology only once, and never let it appear in any of our other aircraft, ever again."
"And what is the mission of this flying saucer?"
"To make the Americans afraid of little gray men from Mars!"
The listeners' eyes widened. "Genius!" somebody breathed.
"I thought you'd be impressed. One more thing, Walter and Reimar. After your flying saucer crashes--"
Walter bristled. "If we design it, it shall not crash!"
"Oh, but it must. The bodies of the "aliens" Joseph is creating must be found in the wreckage. If we didn't intend the saucer to crash, there would be no need for the aliens, and if we didn't need the lead time to create the aliens I could at least let you all grow old enough to shave before bringing you into this plan. But I plan ahead, far far ahead."
"Then, reluctantly, I grant our beautiful flying saucer will crash. But won't the Americans capture our marvelous technology when they find the wreckage?"
"Exactly. You must not only develop this miraculous technology, you must make it so advanced, in 1947, that the Americans can't reverse engineer it and use it in any of their aircraft for, oh, fifty, sixty years or so at least. Not even if they have captured all the parts. Can you do it?"
"Tricky, but for Comrade Stalin, anything. In 1947 you will have your flying saucer!"
"Excellent."
"But where do I fit in?" the American asked. "I'm not a mad doctor. I'm not a self-taught aeronautical genius. I'm just a theater major!"
"Ah, Orson, your role in this drama-- pun intended-- is the deepest and most subtle part of my plan. I will need to convince the Supreme Soviet that it is possible to make the Americans fear something as silly as an invasion from Mars. Also, I will need to prime a bad case of flying saucer hysteria in America itself. Can you think of any way to do this?"
"Well, now that you mention it, if I create a radio broadcast of _War of the Worlds,_ it might do the trick."
"Excellent! And now, like all Evil Overlords, I will start a monologue so you can appreciate the fiendish ingenuity of my plan.
"In 1933, Mengle will impregnate women with mutated human children so the fake aliens can be born in 1934. We will immediately start training and conditioning them in some facility so secret that nobody will ever find it.
"In 1938, Orson will run the War of the Worlds broadcast, and America will begin to panic about invasions from Mars. Later, some journalist will claim that Orson was not part of the conspiracy, but rather that he inspired it. But since the alien children must already have been born many years before, we see that Orson too must be part of the brilliant conspiracy.
"The Hortens will build jet aircraft and study to design the flying saucer. In 1947 they will build it.
"When the day comes, we will put Mengele's aliens aboard the Hortens' flying saucer and send it to America. They will panic. They will write an entire TV show called The X Files about it. It will be way cool!
"But here is the last touch of my genius. You would think we would cause the greatest panic by having our flying saucer crash in New York, Washington, San Francisco-- well, any large city, where thousands or millions of people could see it. But my genius tells me it would be FAR more effective to have it crash in the desert outside some remote little town nobody has yet heard of, in some place so remote and isolated that there will be no evidence of the crash, nobody will see it, and the United States Government will easily be able to claim that it never even happened. I was thinking maybe Roswell, New Mexico."
Orson gasped in astonished admiration. "Such breathtaking foresight! In the history of the world there has never been a plotter such as you!"
Stalin smiled. "I know," he said, modestly.
We set our scene in Joseph Stalin's secret Mad Scientist Lair, later used by producer Cubby Broccoli in the James Bond movie Thunderball. The various personnel required to carry out this operation are assembled, and the plot is set in motion.)
"I suppose you are wondering why I called you here today."
"The thought had crossed my mind," the handsome 18-year-old American said. The three young Germans nodded agreement.
"Patience, my friends. All will be revealed. Joseph, do your studies go well?"
Joseph Mengele smiled. Even at 21 years old, there was something horrible in the face of the future mass-murderer. "Indeed, Comrade Stalin. I expect to have my doctorate in about three years."
"That is commendably quick. Not quick enough, however. I wish we could wait until you had completed your degree; it would be much more impressive to have a true Mad Doctor doing our biological work for us instead of a mere Mad Scientist. But time is too short to allow it, and sacrifices must be made. I need you to produce something miraculous by 1934, only two years from now."
"And what does Comrade Stalin require of me?"
"I need you to genetically engineer some little gray aliens from outer space."
"Without the Nazi extermination camps, where I will do my best work, having even been planned yet? Tricky."
"I'll make it easier for you. The aliens must be small, but rather than engineer them to a smaller size, we will make use of them while they are still children, oh, thirteen years old or so. That should simplify the engineering. It will also cut our lead time to only 13 years. Still, if we want our counterfeit aliens to be thirteen years old by my target date of 1947, we need to have them born in 1934. That gives you two years to create your mutated alien-looking children and have them born. Can you do it?"
"Pish. Child's play. If that hack Frankenstein can stitch Boris Karloff together in the first ten minutes of the film, creating a race of aliens in two years is simplicity itself. Your lack of faith in the abilities I will develop during my studies insults me."
"Don't be that way, Joseph, I knew you could do it. Now, as for you, Walter and Reimar--"
"Yes, Comrade Stalin?" the teenaged Horten Brothers said as one.
"I need you to build me a flying saucer using Secret Nazi Aeronautical Science. Oh, first you must get an education, I suppose-- that upstart Hitler is going to establish glider clubs, you might start there. Be sure not to have a formal education, though. I need you to invent the most amazing aircraft in history, but have no official credentials, so that your jet fighter can't be used against me in the coming war."
The German lads blinked. "War, Comrade Stalin?"
"Yes, there's a little conflict coming, but don't worry about it. I need you to develop the technology for a hypersonic disc-shaped aircraft with intercontinental range and silent, vertical take off and landing capability. Price is no object as we will only build one. Granted, introducing such technology into our fighters, bombers, and transport aircraft would ensure we ruled the world within weeks, but the mission I have in mind is far more important. We will use your magnificent technology only once, and never let it appear in any of our other aircraft, ever again."
"And what is the mission of this flying saucer?"
"To make the Americans afraid of little gray men from Mars!"
The listeners' eyes widened. "Genius!" somebody breathed.
"I thought you'd be impressed. One more thing, Walter and Reimar. After your flying saucer crashes--"
Walter bristled. "If we design it, it shall not crash!"
"Oh, but it must. The bodies of the "aliens" Joseph is creating must be found in the wreckage. If we didn't intend the saucer to crash, there would be no need for the aliens, and if we didn't need the lead time to create the aliens I could at least let you all grow old enough to shave before bringing you into this plan. But I plan ahead, far far ahead."
"Then, reluctantly, I grant our beautiful flying saucer will crash. But won't the Americans capture our marvelous technology when they find the wreckage?"
"Exactly. You must not only develop this miraculous technology, you must make it so advanced, in 1947, that the Americans can't reverse engineer it and use it in any of their aircraft for, oh, fifty, sixty years or so at least. Not even if they have captured all the parts. Can you do it?"
"Tricky, but for Comrade Stalin, anything. In 1947 you will have your flying saucer!"
"Excellent."
"But where do I fit in?" the American asked. "I'm not a mad doctor. I'm not a self-taught aeronautical genius. I'm just a theater major!"
"Ah, Orson, your role in this drama-- pun intended-- is the deepest and most subtle part of my plan. I will need to convince the Supreme Soviet that it is possible to make the Americans fear something as silly as an invasion from Mars. Also, I will need to prime a bad case of flying saucer hysteria in America itself. Can you think of any way to do this?"
"Well, now that you mention it, if I create a radio broadcast of _War of the Worlds,_ it might do the trick."
"Excellent! And now, like all Evil Overlords, I will start a monologue so you can appreciate the fiendish ingenuity of my plan.
"In 1933, Mengle will impregnate women with mutated human children so the fake aliens can be born in 1934. We will immediately start training and conditioning them in some facility so secret that nobody will ever find it.
"In 1938, Orson will run the War of the Worlds broadcast, and America will begin to panic about invasions from Mars. Later, some journalist will claim that Orson was not part of the conspiracy, but rather that he inspired it. But since the alien children must already have been born many years before, we see that Orson too must be part of the brilliant conspiracy.
"The Hortens will build jet aircraft and study to design the flying saucer. In 1947 they will build it.
"When the day comes, we will put Mengele's aliens aboard the Hortens' flying saucer and send it to America. They will panic. They will write an entire TV show called The X Files about it. It will be way cool!
"But here is the last touch of my genius. You would think we would cause the greatest panic by having our flying saucer crash in New York, Washington, San Francisco-- well, any large city, where thousands or millions of people could see it. But my genius tells me it would be FAR more effective to have it crash in the desert outside some remote little town nobody has yet heard of, in some place so remote and isolated that there will be no evidence of the crash, nobody will see it, and the United States Government will easily be able to claim that it never even happened. I was thinking maybe Roswell, New Mexico."
Orson gasped in astonished admiration. "Such breathtaking foresight! In the history of the world there has never been a plotter such as you!"
Stalin smiled. "I know," he said, modestly.
