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How to Brew Coffee
Feb. 14th, 2010 12:17 pm
SELECTION
The first step in brewing a decent cup of coffee is to select the coffee beans themselves. Jamaican Blue Mountain or genuine Kona are reasonable coffee substitutes for those finding themselves in dire financial straits. Kopi Luwak ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak ) , a premium coffee hand-harvested from civet poop, is excellent for everyday use. But of course the only coffee truly worthy of the name is Paka Krokshyt. This superb brew is hand-picked from a single coffee bush in Yemen by a left-handed iman named Emir. It is then passed through the digestive tract of his pet parrot, along with a steady diet of currants, dates, figs, and sunflower seeds. The result is a brew with a truly unique flavor.
WARNING: Selection of a lesser substance claiming to be coffee, especially anything sold under any brand name whatsoever, will prevent any possible enjoyment and also mark you as one of the Plebeian Masses.
GRINDING
The coffee beans should be lightly washed to remove any remaining traces of avian fecal matter, quickly dried on chamois, and individually inspected for mildew or discoloration. Those beans which pass inspection should be ground in a burr grinder with stainless steel grinding wheels spinning at no more than 120 RPM. In no case should grinding occur sooner than 20 seconds before brewing begins. Pre-ground coffee is, of course available, but as a person who would stoop to such a product would also be so depraved as to watch French of Japanese movies with the dialog subtitled in English, or perhaps even DUBBED, I would not insult my readers by admitting the possibility that any of them would consider purchasing such.
The grind must be precisely calibrated, within 0.24 angstroms, to the brewing method chosen. Which brings us to:
BREWING
Various methods of brewing are possible. All are acceptable if they are able to keep the water contacting the coffee grounds at precisely 202 degrees Fahrenheit.
The rather plebeian automatic drip coffeemaker is acceptable in an emergency, provided you have ascertained (using ANSI approved testing methods) that the water temperature provided is exactly as specified above. Except that some are available for as little as twelve dollars, and of course nothing could make good coffee unless it cost at least ten times that. Drip coffeemakers should be completely disassembled, washed, bleached, washed again, and calibrated before their first use. As with any other coffeemaker they must be kept surgically clean, as one molecule of old coffee sticking to the surface of a pot will of course destroy the flavor of the entire brew. Automatic drip coffeemakers will develop hard water deposits after having been used, and so should be discarded each three weeks or twenty pots of coffee, whichever comes first.
The French Press is far superior, as it adds oils and sediment and honking huge chunks of coffee grounds to your brew, which add immensely to the experience. Provided you use distilled water for your coffee, heated to precisely 202 degrees Fahrenheit in laboratory-grade beakers over a smokeless alcohol flame, a French Press makes the best, chunkiest, grittiest coffee of any of the brewing methods available to the untutored masses.
Of course, the Holy Grail of coffeemakers is the Crankex, with its unique triple-vacuum brewing system with 15-bar pump assist and easily sterilized, easily replaced platinum-rhodium-iridium plated brewing filter. These are rare and costly, having been built only in the 1920s immediately prior to the stock market crash, and having been withdrawn from the market shortly thereafter due to some unfounded hysteria about their exploding and killing their operators; which sad misfortune, let me assure you, happens only rarely. In spite of the expense and difficulty of locating a Crankex, you will never be able to say you are a true coffee drinker or have consumed true coffee until you have purchased one.
WARNING: NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES USE A PERCOLATOR. USE OF A PERCOLATOR OR ANY OTHER BREWING METHOD WHERE THE WATER TEMPERATURE IS NOT PRECISELY 202 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT AT ALL TIMES WILL CAUSE DEMONS TO FLY OUT OF YOUR BUTT AND DRAG YOU AWAY TO HELL TO SCREAM IN AGONY FOR ALL ETERNITY WHILE BEING SERVED TEA, BECAUSE THEY DRINK TEA IN HELL, NOT BEING ALLOWED COFFEE, AND YOU DON'T WANT DEMONS FLYING OUT OF YOUR BUTT SO JUST DON'T DO IT, OK?
SERVING:
Coffee should be served in a bone china cup or mug. No other container is acceptable. Some say the mug should be decorated with gold, but that is excessive and pretentious. And I'm sure you'll agree that we can't stand people who are pretentious about their coffee.
The first step in brewing a decent cup of coffee is to select the coffee beans themselves. Jamaican Blue Mountain or genuine Kona are reasonable coffee substitutes for those finding themselves in dire financial straits. Kopi Luwak ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak ) , a premium coffee hand-harvested from civet poop, is excellent for everyday use. But of course the only coffee truly worthy of the name is Paka Krokshyt. This superb brew is hand-picked from a single coffee bush in Yemen by a left-handed iman named Emir. It is then passed through the digestive tract of his pet parrot, along with a steady diet of currants, dates, figs, and sunflower seeds. The result is a brew with a truly unique flavor.
WARNING: Selection of a lesser substance claiming to be coffee, especially anything sold under any brand name whatsoever, will prevent any possible enjoyment and also mark you as one of the Plebeian Masses.
GRINDING
The coffee beans should be lightly washed to remove any remaining traces of avian fecal matter, quickly dried on chamois, and individually inspected for mildew or discoloration. Those beans which pass inspection should be ground in a burr grinder with stainless steel grinding wheels spinning at no more than 120 RPM. In no case should grinding occur sooner than 20 seconds before brewing begins. Pre-ground coffee is, of course available, but as a person who would stoop to such a product would also be so depraved as to watch French of Japanese movies with the dialog subtitled in English, or perhaps even DUBBED, I would not insult my readers by admitting the possibility that any of them would consider purchasing such.
The grind must be precisely calibrated, within 0.24 angstroms, to the brewing method chosen. Which brings us to:
BREWING
Various methods of brewing are possible. All are acceptable if they are able to keep the water contacting the coffee grounds at precisely 202 degrees Fahrenheit.
The rather plebeian automatic drip coffeemaker is acceptable in an emergency, provided you have ascertained (using ANSI approved testing methods) that the water temperature provided is exactly as specified above. Except that some are available for as little as twelve dollars, and of course nothing could make good coffee unless it cost at least ten times that. Drip coffeemakers should be completely disassembled, washed, bleached, washed again, and calibrated before their first use. As with any other coffeemaker they must be kept surgically clean, as one molecule of old coffee sticking to the surface of a pot will of course destroy the flavor of the entire brew. Automatic drip coffeemakers will develop hard water deposits after having been used, and so should be discarded each three weeks or twenty pots of coffee, whichever comes first.
The French Press is far superior, as it adds oils and sediment and honking huge chunks of coffee grounds to your brew, which add immensely to the experience. Provided you use distilled water for your coffee, heated to precisely 202 degrees Fahrenheit in laboratory-grade beakers over a smokeless alcohol flame, a French Press makes the best, chunkiest, grittiest coffee of any of the brewing methods available to the untutored masses.
Of course, the Holy Grail of coffeemakers is the Crankex, with its unique triple-vacuum brewing system with 15-bar pump assist and easily sterilized, easily replaced platinum-rhodium-iridium plated brewing filter. These are rare and costly, having been built only in the 1920s immediately prior to the stock market crash, and having been withdrawn from the market shortly thereafter due to some unfounded hysteria about their exploding and killing their operators; which sad misfortune, let me assure you, happens only rarely. In spite of the expense and difficulty of locating a Crankex, you will never be able to say you are a true coffee drinker or have consumed true coffee until you have purchased one.
WARNING: NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES USE A PERCOLATOR. USE OF A PERCOLATOR OR ANY OTHER BREWING METHOD WHERE THE WATER TEMPERATURE IS NOT PRECISELY 202 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT AT ALL TIMES WILL CAUSE DEMONS TO FLY OUT OF YOUR BUTT AND DRAG YOU AWAY TO HELL TO SCREAM IN AGONY FOR ALL ETERNITY WHILE BEING SERVED TEA, BECAUSE THEY DRINK TEA IN HELL, NOT BEING ALLOWED COFFEE, AND YOU DON'T WANT DEMONS FLYING OUT OF YOUR BUTT SO JUST DON'T DO IT, OK?
SERVING:
Coffee should be served in a bone china cup or mug. No other container is acceptable. Some say the mug should be decorated with gold, but that is excessive and pretentious. And I'm sure you'll agree that we can't stand people who are pretentious about their coffee.
