Feb. 2nd, 2009

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Welcome aboard Northworst Airlines Flight 345 to San Francisco.

For your comfort, we will provide all the kerosene-fumed air, fortified by pathogens from the plague-carrying, earache-howling baby in the seat behind you, that you can breathe. Cups of tepid water are available on request. The flight attendants will be offering drinks, snacks, and trays of wilted celery for a nominal additional fee; exact change is appreciated. We recommend our beer, wine, and cocktails, especially if you were crazy enough to come aboard sober.

Please fasten your seatbelt by inserting the metal tab into the buckle and pulling the loose end as demonstrated by your flight attendant. Our policy is that you should stay in your seat with the seatbelt fastened at all times, and if you find this unpleasant, please remember that the fine print on your ticket states that if you are Too Fat to Sit Comfortably in your Seat, we reserve the right to charge you for a second one. Whether there is, in fact, a second seat vacant or not. So sit down and shut up- fasten the seatbelt over your mouth or around your neck, for all we care. Maybe next time you won't be so cheap, and will pony up the extra $1500 to sit up front in First Class, where the seats were designed by Gus of Boeing instead of by Tomas de Torquemada of the Dominican Order.

This aircraft has eight exits; two in front, two in back, and two on each side over the wings. In the event of an emergency landing lights at floor level will lead you to the nearest exit, which may be one of the ones over the wings, assuming you can reach these between seats spaced fourteen inches back-to-back, clambering over the bales of carry-on luggage we have because of our policy of charging you through the nose for actually checking your bags.

In the event of what we euphemistically call a water landing, but what pilots usually call ditching and passengers usually call crashing and dying, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. As it is eighteen degrees below zero today, we are sure you will be comforted to know that you can hug a fart-scented cushion to your chest in the middle of Lake Michigan for the eight to ten minutes it will take you to lose consciousness and sink down to oblivion.

In the event that the duct tape that holds the plane together comes unstuck and we have a sudden release of cabin pressure, please insert fifteen dollars (US currency or credit card) into the slot above your head and an oxygen mask will immediately appear. Pull it toward you, place the elastic band around your head, and tug to tighten. Please make sure your payment has been accepted before attempting to adjust your mask-- we must take care of the most important things first, right?

We'd thank you for flying Northworst, but that would be hypocritical as we don't care and we know you wouldn't if you had a choice. Shut up, do what we tell you, or we'll have you arrested for disobeying a flight attendant, if not for terrorism.

Have a nice day. Or a lousy one, for all we care. Since you're flying with us, we're pretty sure it will be the latter.

January 2015

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