Candide, by Voltaire, 1759

ounceofreason asked if anyone could summarize Candide in one paragraph. Alas, it took me considerably more than that.

Candide: I know you're a philosopher as well as my tutor, but are you sure this is the best of all possible worlds? Exiled, drafted, flogged with bulls' pizzles, my love Cunegonde and her whole family massacred, and now we're in Lisbon and the place gets flattened by an earthquake. Personally, I think my life sucks.
Pangloss: Of course all is for the best! Why--
Inquisitor: Heretics! They caused the earthquake by bringing God's wrath down on us! Arrest them! Hang that one!
Pangloss: Wait a minute.. Gaaakkkkk!
Inquisitor: And whip that one with bulls' pizzles!
Candide: Screw that. (Kills the inquisitor)
Second inquisitor: Arrest him!
Candide: I'd better get out of here, but.. Cunegonde! You're alive after all? Run away with me!
Cunegonde: Sure.
Candide: Well, Buenos Aries is a fine city and..
Nobleman: I want to marry Cunegonde.
Candide: Screw that. (Kills him)
Second Nobleman: Arrest him!
Second inquisitor (dashing up from the docks): Arrest him!
Candide: Shit. (Runs off into the jungle)
King: Welcome to Eldorado.
Candide: Everything's nice here, but I don't have the sense to stay where things are good.
King (shrugging): Suit yourself. Better take some gems and rare livestock back with you to sell, though.
Candide: Thanks, Your Majesty. Wow, the jungle sucks- I didn't think I'd make it through, but here I am in a seaport again. I think I'll take this galley back to Europe and-- Pangloss? You're alive, and you're a galley slave? And you've got Cunegonde's brother with you? You two get out of there and come with me.
Pangloss: Thank you, my student. See how everything is for the best in this the best of all possible worlds?
Candide: Yeah, whatever. I hear Cunegonde is washing dishes in this castle.
Cunegonde: Yoo hoo!
Candide: My, but you've become ugly.
Cunegonde: Marry me anyway. It will really piss off my brother.
Brother: I heard that!
Candide: Yeah, sure, why not. I've still got a little of the king's money left, let's buy a farm so we don't get bored. Hey, farmer, want to sell your place?
Farmer: Sure.
Pangloss: See how all is for the best in this...
Candide: Shut up and keep weeding.

(exeutent omnes)