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Survey Response Form
Jun. 28th, 2004 01:41 pm
I'm a reasonable fellow. I'm perfectly willing to cooperate with the advertising industry in their efforts to Drive the Economy. However, they are making money from my personal information. Isn't it reasonable for me to receive a cut of that money?
Accordingly, I have created a new version of my Survey Response Form. I did it up nicely in Word, with tables and all, but here's the cut-and-pasted version:
Old What's-His-Face
Ugly House
Graylord, Michigan 45678
Dear Sir or Madam:
Thank you for your interest in my survey completion services. My schedule of fees for completion of surveys is below:
Class 1: Brand preferences and similar inconsequential information, $50.00 per hour, 1 hour minimum
Class 2: Personal beliefs on religion, politics, or other matters of public importance, $100.00 per hour, 1 hour minimum
Class 3: Personal and financial data such as wages, home ownership, marital status, age, etc., $10,000.00 per hour, 1 hour minimum
Class 4 Medical information or any other information deemed sensitive $500,000.00 per hour, 1 hour minimum
Based on the information you sent me, I have determined your survey is Class ____ and can be completed in ____ hour(s). Your fee is therefore $_________. Please submit a fresh copy of your survey along with a certified check for the appropriate amount. Once I have confirmed the cash has been transferred to my account, I will be happy to complete your survey for you.
Disclaimer: I do not guarantee any information in any survey I complete. I am not liable for any incidental or consequential damages resulting from your use of any information I provide. I reserve the right to fabricate false information for any reason that suits me, including that I just plain don't like you.
Thank you for your interest. Please be assured I wish you all the success you deserve.
Sincerely,
Forms like this make wonderful things to stuff in those postage-paid return envelopes the union, political parties, Sierra Club and such send you with their "surveys" (all of which have, as their last question, how much money you want to send THEM; but obviously, they have things backward). These envelopes cost money to print, and even more money to send through the mail back to their Business Reply Mail licenseholder. It's a pity to waste them.
And please let me assure you I'm perfectly serious about this. If somebody wants to pay me $500,000.00 to find out about the state of my toenail fungus infection, I'd be happy to supply them with the information. Especially since I reserve the right to lie about it.
Accordingly, I have created a new version of my Survey Response Form. I did it up nicely in Word, with tables and all, but here's the cut-and-pasted version:
Old What's-His-Face
Ugly House
Graylord, Michigan 45678
Dear Sir or Madam:
Thank you for your interest in my survey completion services. My schedule of fees for completion of surveys is below:
Class 1: Brand preferences and similar inconsequential information, $50.00 per hour, 1 hour minimum
Class 2: Personal beliefs on religion, politics, or other matters of public importance, $100.00 per hour, 1 hour minimum
Class 3: Personal and financial data such as wages, home ownership, marital status, age, etc., $10,000.00 per hour, 1 hour minimum
Class 4 Medical information or any other information deemed sensitive $500,000.00 per hour, 1 hour minimum
Based on the information you sent me, I have determined your survey is Class ____ and can be completed in ____ hour(s). Your fee is therefore $_________. Please submit a fresh copy of your survey along with a certified check for the appropriate amount. Once I have confirmed the cash has been transferred to my account, I will be happy to complete your survey for you.
Disclaimer: I do not guarantee any information in any survey I complete. I am not liable for any incidental or consequential damages resulting from your use of any information I provide. I reserve the right to fabricate false information for any reason that suits me, including that I just plain don't like you.
Thank you for your interest. Please be assured I wish you all the success you deserve.
Sincerely,
Forms like this make wonderful things to stuff in those postage-paid return envelopes the union, political parties, Sierra Club and such send you with their "surveys" (all of which have, as their last question, how much money you want to send THEM; but obviously, they have things backward). These envelopes cost money to print, and even more money to send through the mail back to their Business Reply Mail licenseholder. It's a pity to waste them.
And please let me assure you I'm perfectly serious about this. If somebody wants to pay me $500,000.00 to find out about the state of my toenail fungus infection, I'd be happy to supply them with the information. Especially since I reserve the right to lie about it.
